is it too early to be nesting?

so this whole concept of someone entering my house to stay has me wanting to change everything. i want wall to wall carpet. i want new bold colors. i want emptiness.

so far, the only thing i have done is emptied my closets. yes, that word was plural. and i am making myself sick with the amount of clothes i just don't even wear.

5 Glad ForceFlex Lawn bags later, (one filled completely with shoes...) i have to say

1. i am very proud of my ability to discern fashion forward from fashion rewind.
2. i am disgusted by myself.

my only real excuse was that for almost three and half years i had an awesome discount to old navy, gap, and banana. most of what is going in those bags was never purchased full price. and most of the shoes were payless whims at BOGO sales.

and i am like oprah. almost every size is present. well, lets be realistic many sizes are not.

i did have to laugh at this long-sleeved abercrombie t-shirt that i wore in college and loved. i honestly don't think there is ONE THING i could fit in now in that store. (but my shirt still fits perfectly ha ha ha skinny pretty people-there was a time when everyone wore that crap)

or how about the half-sleeved sweater (never wore it thank god)

or the polka-dotted dress and corresponding jacket (again, thank god)

or the 3 million concert t-shirts...(well, i kept a few only to prove to my child how cool i really am, "yes dear, mommy saw snoop dogg before he gave up drugs" "oh yeah, well tell timmy that your mom saw Coldplay in a bar" )

and now, on to my husbands closet. yes, that was singular. actually, i gave him a rack in the basement. let's see if you can beat my 5 bags baby! CHALLENGE!

just the start of stressin'out

before i say anything, know that the baby is fine. but geez, if this is truly any indication for how stressed i am going to be as a mom we are in for it.

on friday night i had my first scare. i spotted. which if you are a guy, then don't ask. if you are a girl, you know how this never means anything good. especially when you are pregnant.

of course, melodramatic mama that i am, i flipped out. called my sister at 11:30 at night, didn't sleep but two hours, called my amazing doctor in the a.m. and he calmly told me to come in for an ultrasound.

there was nothing calm about my getting there. pouring rain, slightly elevated speeds, and wham i made it to fairfield in 15 minutes (usually takes 30).

then of course i waited. that is the worst. i don't care how soothing the cool pink walls are, or how nice and funny the nurses are...or how many cute babies were in the waiting room. waiting is the worst.

i didn't call my husband because of all saturdays, he had inventory at the hospital, his busiest day of the year.

so i went it alone.

and in the 15 minutes that i sat in that exam room (half-undressed and slightly chilled) i just prayed. i usually don't do that. but it seemed like a pretty good time. and i guess it worked.

because my incredible doctor came in, immediately fired up the baby photo shoot, and there it was, the heart beat. and my baby had grown 3 MM to a whopping 10. i am so proud.

Dr. Chin is so smart that he knew how out of my mind i was, he told me in short and sweet directions what i was supposed to do. which was NOTHING. so nothing wins. i am caught up on all things recorded. i have downed almost an entire case of aquafina. seriously, i haven't even showered in two days. gross yes, but if you had been there friday night, you would know how willing i was to do anything to keep this baby healthy.

i think the nurses may let me back between now and my next appt. for another ultrasound. i can't get enough of my millimeter-sized cutie.


the caca diagnosis has been resolved in case you were wondering.

things that remind me that i am still very pregnant: still with the nipples-good god(thanks for the octagon tip bren), the quick tears(yesterday i cried five times), the exhaustion(doing nothing caused this though)
cravings this week (most of what i cannot have) : crunchwrap supremes, tomato-basil soup, oreos w milk, cheetos or anything flavored with artificial cheese.
god i am hungry.

my heart's all a'flutter

so i am six weeks (yesterday) and today we went in for another ultrasound. this was a big one. not an immobile blob. but instead a peanut. with a heartbeat. that i could see clear as day. it was the most precious thing.

the doctor called it fluttering. i just took a deep breath in and sighed. my baby is fluttering. their heart works. and all day long since i just keep thinking (however cheesy it is) that the one thing that matters most is starting to get stronger. the heart.

and of course, in my hormonal spin of joy, i thought about how as a mama, i will want to protect that heart for the rest of my child's life...

how my heart will break a million times before their first birthday...

how someone someday is going to try and break that heart, and how i will want to break their face for having done so...

how someday they will find the perfect person, and risk giving their heart away...

and then i realized how nuts i was being and apologized to my future child for how strange i will be as a mom.

but today is a special day. a really spectacular day.

greg had no jokes, he was just as happy to see the flutter.
we see the flutter again in two weeks at my eight week appointment.

symptoms of my happiness: nausea when driving or being driven, the inability to sleep, my nipples still hate me, and yes, as my doctor put it today ever so gently, "meg, you're full of caca". So when you see me on the street, please don't ask if i am due this fall, it is a simple case of the "back-ups" and my stomach looks like one of those kids you donate money to save in far off places. and it hurts, so don't make me laugh by pointing.

and who could forget a face like this...

my niece maura...best laugh...deep dimples...cutest ears...

dancing queen...

so last weekend, my mom, my aunt, and my nephew zach went to chicago with a very special ticket waiting for us.

front row to my niece Merritt's dance recital.

it was more like a broadway review. there was more tulle and make-up in that high-school auditorium than there was at my wedding.

AND I LOVED IT! these adorable girls, and an awkward but talented teenage boy, danced every inch of that stage.

and yes, my niece has talent...rhythm runs in our family, well, it hit she and i, and maybe her dad at least. her routine with the 3 year old group was to the song "SHOUT" and they definitely got a little lower, swung their hips, and hit the floor at one point.

it was an afternoon to remember. especially when my nephew shouted..."hey why is there a BOY on stage?"

my baby blob...

so i know it is a little hard to see...and honestly, there is this creepy large baby-like figure in the background that is hard to see past...

but that is our blob between the x's.

our baby blob.

the more i look at it, the cuter it gets.

and the creepier the larger baby-like figure gets as well.

and other babies pop up to me out of the background. i didn't want to say anything to the doctor in case i looked stupid. "uh no meg, that is a vital organ not your baby's twin"

but i saw it, its there, its strong, its healthy, its 9mm. and of course, all i could think was that my baby is as big as a bullet. does that make me a bad mother? violence and guns...good lord.

the best part was when the doctor left the room and greg and i were still in there admiring our sweet bullet-sized blob...and greg says, "meg, why is our baby black, is there something you are not telling me?"

if i hadn't been crying so hard-i would have gone number 1 in my pants from laughter.

good one greg. very funny for 7 am.

i will go weekly for ultrasounds...my amazing doctor wants to keep in check with baby lynch's growth. plus i have to have these annoyingly painful blood draws everytime.

the things i do for my kid. honestly. i will make a note to remind them of my pain and sacrifice on a regular basis. it is only fair.

i will be six weeks next wednesday the 25th. and i will get to see lil' lynch again on the 26th.

hey does anyone know how to get a hold of TOMKAT...i don't know if i can't wait that long to see my blob again.

when it looked like the sun...

wasn't going to shine anymore...God put a rainbow in the clouds. - maya angelou

a good friend of mine asked me why i was so willing to share my baby news so early...wasn't i scared that something could happen?

i have to think...there will be time to cry if that day comes. right now, i have to focus on the good. this pregnancy, however high risk it may be, is good. it's more than good. it's a miracle.

i read a bunch of stuff on-line when i was trying to conceive, and a lot of it was negative. all sorts of women, angry, sad, depressed, desperate...and i started to sound like them.

even my friend said that the other night i looked different...and my quick comeback was, yea,
it's because i wasn't crying in a room filled with babies. i actually lasted a whole night surrounded by them...without shedding one tear.

so this baby, this tiny little 'sesame seed' sized thing growing inside me, is the perfect rainbow to a very cloudy year. and really, who am i to forecast the weather?

technical difficulties...

still trying to figure this thing out...a bunch of pictures just disappeared that i had added to this page.

so what was once very cute, is slightly missing a few notches in its cute-belt.

and just like me, this page is currently under construction.

be patient.

happy fathers day dad....you are the greatest

(and because i am going out of town and wanted to say i love you)

off the charts already...

so had some blood drawn. my pregnancy hormone which should have been at 150...was at 172.

if this is any indication for how the rest of this pregnancy is going to go...or for how this kid will look when it gets out...good god. i am in trouble.

we all knew it would be though, my husband greg and i are not tiny people. it would look like we adopted if the kid wasn't enormous.

so i am growing another human. and its already leaving the nurses stunned by its numbers.

(i scored an 11 on a scale of 10 for the APGAR when i was born...thats right, just like mama already...if you don't believe me you should ask my poor mom, check out my wee guns)

so someday has just come...sort of

this is me. i found out days ago that after a year of trying...(crying through most of it)...i am going to become a mom.

i am in a state of nirvana.

i am in love all over again with my body.

i am going to make a great mom...or at least i will go crazy trying.

but no more tears. for now.

i am a we now. we feel good. we are hungry.

we have to pee.